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Catharsis
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Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2009 15:14:11 GMT -5
The bic felt cool in his palm. His thumb ran over the side and he flicked it open. A solitary flame jumped out pale and yellow. Tobias brought it to his cigarette and inhaled. The flame licked the end of the paper and disappeared with a loud click.
It was always so quiet in a bar on a weekday night. Everyone was winding down from a busy work day, no one was feeling as thirsty as Tobias. Even the jukebox was quiet. He tapped his finger against the counter top and the barman quietly filled his shot glass.
Tobias tossed back the dark liquid quickly and tapped the counter top once more. What a horrible week.
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Post by Tempest on Feb 3, 2009 16:24:53 GMT -5
Generally, Caroline wasn't the type to drink on a weekday, especially with the amount of papers she had to grade on that particular weekday. But the ghosts were being noisier than usual and no exertion she took to quiet them had effect.
So the next best thing: get drunk enough for a pleasant hum to replace the echoing voices of haglike memories. The papers could wait. Emilio's open invitation to eat with him could wait. Life could wait too.
Caroline didn't notice him when she walked in. For the time being, her eyes looked past the glowing end of the cigarette, the figure holding it, the quiet in the tavern... all was ignored in light of the drinkbearer. She passed the figure at the bar and said a quiet, "Vodka, neat."
She would have to remember not to overdo it this time... not that she spent much time thinking about it when the barkeep poured the drink. "Твоё здоровье!"* She raised her glass, then downed it. She made a face as it stuck in her throat- like the Russian proverb, "the first charka comes like a stick in your throat, the second flies in like a falcon, the others just dive like small birdies".
It was only after the first drink, as she lifted the glass to indicate she cared for another, that she noticed who her fellow bargoer was. Immediately her previous neutral expression clouded over.
Tobias.
Words didn't come well at first- she couldn't remember why she felt annoyed with him, but she certainly was. Finally, she said in a light tone, "My my... isn't this familiar." She tilted the refreshed glass, as though inspecting the alcohol for something. Obviously she didn't find it because she downed that one same as the first. The bartender raised an eyebrow at her, almost to remind her that she should take it easy.
Her response was to lift her glass again.
"...so how's your heart, Tobias? Any attacks recently? I see you're still destroying yourself with smoke and booze." The drink had loosened her tongue already... not that it would have taken much for her to let such snide remarks out anyways.
||*(pronounced "tva-jó zda-ró-vye") Means: "To your health!"||
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2009 1:05:50 GMT -5
Tobias rolled his eyes and traded in his shot glass for a Guinness draft. He let out a heavy sigh and counted backward from ten. "Caroline...what's on your mind?" he asked coolly, keeping his eyes trained on the wide mirror in front of him. He could watch her without giving himself away at the very least.
Why did she always demand such confrontation? Where did it surface from? Was Caroline so controlling that she had to get into rows just to prove her point or did it actually turn her on? If that was the case, why was Tobias always high and dry at the end of the day?
He sipped his beer quietly, taking in the thick taste. The truth was that he hadn't had a drink in a long while, and he had cut back on his smoking. He was now at a pack and a half...to two packs a day, but he didn't need to seek her approval. If she loved him as she had claimed so many times before, she would just accept the way things were.
He lit another cigarette and inhaled deeply. "Do you want to talk about what's really bothering you or are you planning on badgering me?" He asked curtly in between drags.
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Post by Tempest on Feb 7, 2009 17:18:57 GMT -5
"Nothing," she lied sullenly, noting how her perceptions were already getting a little cloudy. So far, though, her judgments were intact. And so were the nasty little voices in the back of her head. "Everything's just fine."
She pushed the third shot of vodka around with her fingertips, knowing just how well she could hold her liquor. The voices were muttering madly about the nine levels of Hell, about her sins, words of fear and anger...
The third went down more easily than its predecessors. Caroline knew that it would be stupid to take another, especially with class the next day. Stupid, but utterly impossible to avoid. She lifted the glass again.
"Neither. I've said what I had to say. It's your prer-prerogative to do what you want. And there's NOTHING bothering me." Just wait... wait for the inevitable slurring of her speech. It wouldn't be long now... The bartender filled her glass, but gave her another one of those mildly disapproving looks she had come to recognize so well. It was a look Emilio had given her when she came back from her nightly strolls through forest and along river, a look her parents had given her often after the incident in her childhood.
A look Caroline had come to rebel against almost instinctively. She tossed back the drink with almost too much force and nearly toppled backwards off the stool, only catching herself at the last second with a palm slammed against the cool surface of the bar. Stubbornly, she raised her glass again. "I'd like another, please." The slur touched on her words ever so slightly, but she acted like she didn't notice it. Truly, any more would be to her own detriment; this much would almost certainly guarantee her a hangover tomorrow.
Were the voices gone yet? If she took time to listen for them, she could hear echoes. The corners of her mouth tightened and her eyes shadowed over.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2009 11:36:30 GMT -5
Tobias shrugged with a mumbled, "0kay." He finished off his beer and licked the foam away from his lips. He smirked as she tossed back her third shot. She could never handle it well, and it always ended up badly for him. Tobias tended to be the focus of Caroline's drunken rages. He placed his hand gently on Caroline's wrist and shooed the bartender away with a fleeting look.
Tobias's calloused fingers grazed the thin raised scars on her arm. He traced the pattern with his forefinger and thumb, as he slowly put pressure to Caroline's wrist. "Please don't be like this," he muttered attempting to push her hand down without making a scene. "Talk to me, but don't be angry. It's stupid."
If she was going to make a scene, Tobias prayed she would have the decency to muffle the sounds so that no one else heard their fight. He wasn't in the mood for such drama. Even in the beginnings of her slurred speech and drunken hostility, Tobias couldn't help but still love her. He could pinpoint every little flaw about her and he would still pursue. But did she fill the same? Or did she bicker with him because that's all she knew how to do? Was it a turn on,the constant fighting?
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Post by Tempest on Feb 9, 2009 20:53:22 GMT -5
He was putting pressure on her hand to push it back down to the bar's cool surface. What right had he to try to stop her own drinking? Caroline was on the verge of jerking her arm away from his rough fingers (they were invoking sweet memories, but she didn't want to forgive him at the moment) when he spoke. At once, she whipped her head towards him and slammed her glass-bearing fist down on the bar, thus both yielding to his pressure and adding some of her own.
"Stupid?" Her nostrils flared angrily. Initially, she seemed about to explode in rapid-fire spanish, a torrent she had drawn a deep breath in to ready herself for... but her eyes were drawn to a dull stinging in her palm. She'd shattered the shotglass with the force of her blow to the counter.
At first, her drink-laden brain couldn't connect the blood oozing through her fingers and the broken glass with the sensation she was feeling. Then she realized what she'd done. And it WAS stupid. All of it. But it was also so utterly frustrating. Tobias's heart attack had served to make her incredibly worried about him and she could do nothing to protect him against illness in the future.
Caroline knew she had no claim on him, no right to ask anything of him. Hence her anger. To stand aside and watch her wolf destroy himself was torturous. Yes, her wolf. Regardless of the fights they'd had, despite the ambiguity of his regard for her, she still felt a measure of possession. If she were not quite so drunk, she might have banished that possessiveness.
She uncurled her fingers slowly, trying to discern what was pain and what was illusion.
What did this fighting serve to do? Was it just a venting of her frustration? Was it just a device to relieve the passion that commanded her into rashness? Was it an excuse to get close to him?
Her eyes welled up with tears, but not for the physical pain of the glass in her hand. Her uninjured hand fished in a pocket for some bills and tossed them on the counter. It was time to go, voices quelled or not. She couldn't handle breaking down in front of Tobias, let alone strangers. "I'mm... sh-sorry." Caroline let herself look at Tobias's face, then said, "I don't feel like talking. It hurtss."
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2009 11:17:33 GMT -5
"Och, Caroline," Tobias muttered whisking a washcloth up from the other side of the bar. He placed the rag on her bloody palm and pressed gently. "You really shouldn't drink, you know." He offered her a sad little smile, his free hand pushed a strand of hair away from her face. "We don't have to talk."
He stood, ready to be her crutch. What had he done to make her so upset? What could he do to make her pain leave? It hurt Tobias's ego to feel so hopeless and unavailable to Caroline. Could she not trust him?
The hand he had used to push her hair away, now found itself tracing the curve of her chin and neck. "We don't have to talk, but let me be with you." He didn't know what else to say. Having two sisters, he knew sometimes he shouldn't try to fix things. He should listen, even if words weren't spoken, he should listen. But it was so difficult to not try and fix what was wrong. Would she let him fix whatever was wrong?
"How's your hand?" he asked, removing the stained rag to search for any trace of glass.
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Post by Tempest on Feb 11, 2009 22:11:02 GMT -5
Caroline stared at him with unbelieving eyes. This was a side of Tobias she wasn't all too familiar with. And she wasn't sure if she trusted it. But then again, he chided her about drinking and it was lost. The half-blooded Cuban woman bridled against his words, though he probably meant well. Reason wasn't her strongest suit at the moment and it took a moment for her to calm down again.
At least she didn't explode and go off on a drunken tangent about how hypocritical it was for Tobias to be telling her not to indulge in this harmless vice when he certainly had more than enough for any one person.
At least she could appreciate that he wasn't going to pry anymore. The very least she could do in return was afford him some civility and patience. That opened the door enough for his touch on her face and neck to invite a couple of emotions she hadn't felt in what seemed like forever. She was afraid to infer anything from the gentleness of his touch or his words in case this was yet another lure to open up just to be hurt again.
But he hadn't asked much... could it really hurt to have some company for the time being? "A-Alright," Caroline answered, her voice thick with drunkenness and unspilt tears. "I... thanks."
His question made her remember why her hand was still in his possession. Brown eyes searched her palm for any remaining shards of glass and touched on a couple of larger ones. Undoubtedly there were a few smaller ones in there too, ones her alcohol-burdened eyesight couldn't pick out. Nevertheless, she answered with a quiet, "Better. Again... thankss."
She looked up at him, willing herself not to, but asking anyways, "Why are you doing this?"
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2009 22:48:25 GMT -5
"Mmmm...why do you need to know?" Tobias asked with an unintentional sour edge in his voice. Did she just judge every single motive he had? He focused on the blood that was budding in her palm. He pressed the stained rag over the wound, perhaps a little harder than he should have.
Tobias's thoughts had turned to other things. How was it that they always got into fights. He could hardly remember a time where they weren't in a row, or about to have one. Hadn't he been open with her? Hadn't she been open with him? What was there to fight about? It was ridiculous.
"So, what's been bothering you? Why are you out drinking on a weekday night?" Tobias had starting to feel a little bit of resentment. He was still thirsty. He had been planning on getting sloshed then finding some....reliese. It wasn't that he was running from something with a name attached. Maybe he was fearing the feral side of him that was creeping into his daily life, but he wasn't sure. Maybe he just wanted to get sloshed for the thrill of it.
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Post by Tempest on Feb 13, 2009 17:15:40 GMT -5
His tone hurt, but so did the glass still embedded in her palm. She hissed when he put more pressure on her hand and yanked it away. Angrily, she shot back, "Why do you have such a hard time answering simple questionsh?" Immediately, she regretted it and shook her head. "No, no. You're right. I shouldn't have questioned the act of kindness. Sorry."
With that, she sat down at the bar again. Cradling her wounded hand, she squinted at the palm trying to find the remaining pieces of glass. Unfortunately, things were beginning not to match up, vision-wise. Which one should she try to dig out?
His other question made her look up briefly with a scowl. So he WASN'T going to leave it alone. His question was just a rephrasing of the ones he had asked before. Her entire body tensed up, as though she were about to yell at him again. Then the tension just sort of... melted away. Why did she CARE so much what he knew about her? She certainly didn't need anybody's pity, that's certain, but pity could be dismissed or ignored. He would know enough of being haunted not to judge her for her haunts... so why not?
Still, she couldn't help but be annoyed at the fact that he pressed the issue until she gave in. Who did he think he was? They hadn't stayed in the lover stage long enough for him to have the right to force her to answer a question she already avoided twice. Caroline held that snide comment back. Instead, she said lightly, "Can't sleep. It's too noisy." Simple and to the point. And true, but with some omissions.
"Since you asked me, it's only right that you afford me that right. What are you doing here?"
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2009 13:15:42 GMT -5
Tobias gently pushed her hand away and picked out the glass himself. The slickness made it difficult to pull out, but he unearthed it from her flesh without much of a problem. He placed the rag over her hand again. "I'm thirsty is all, love." He moved his hand away from hers and took a swig of his beer, as if proving a point. "Noisy in what way? You should read old C.S. He can put a rock to sleep."
The barman replenished his glass with a flourish. What should it matter to him that he was tending to such an odd couple? He was getting paid either way wasn't he? Let them get drunk off their rockers.
Tobias twisted his neck until his it popped, and again in the opposite direction. He really shouldn't be popping any bit of his spine, what with all the toxins resting in the depths of his spinal chord. If the drugs did release, however, at least the next couple of hours would be interesting.
He pushed the thought out of his head. It hadn't happened yet, it most likely never would. "Caroline, you know you can always talk to me, right? No matter the time or day."
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Post by Tempest on Feb 15, 2009 23:31:27 GMT -5
Caroline watched him as he took the shards out of her palm and then replaced the rag. He was gentler now, but she didn't feel at ease. If anything, the drink only diffused her specific troubles to a general suspicion that permeated her mood like a fog.
What was this, an interrogation? Her uninjured hand put pressure on her bloody palm and she turned away from him to face the bar. It would help if she knew which Tobias she was talking to... the musician, the history teacher, the counselor... the wolf, the cool one, the Irishman.... Sure, they might all reside in the same person, but she'd seen different aspects at different times. Also maddening was his penchant for switching between them quickly and without warning.
"English teacher, remember? If the written word could put me to sleep, I would have no reason to be here." Caroline's demeanor was guarded, or as guarded as it could be with the amount of alcohol in her system. "I do not appreciate your prying, Tobias." Here, she fixed what she hoped was the real version of him (amongst the several she saw) with a stern glare. "You've been annoyingly persistent. It's just memories and shit. I have regrets, as you prolly do. The clouds are lifted, the dark and damp lingers in places the sun cannot warm. The voices are harder to silence some nights. There, simple as that. Happy?"
Caroline toyed with the idea of ordering another drink... but the last thing she needed was to get beyond the point of doing things that she would never remember later.
"God, you should listen to yourself sometimes. It's like you really don't understand what you do to people. The facade you put out... it makes you sound like you'd actually like to be close to somebody... but the minute things are good, you go and have a personality change and push them back." She hopped off the bar stool and came close to fix him with a vague stare. The reason she drew up close was to hear his breathing and therefore know which face to talk to.
"You can't dance through life without giving others hints at which way you're heading. I'm sick of this. The way things are going... I dunno if the next time I venture too close to death maybe I'll tumble in. I don't want to live what life I have in guessing at your mood and at what you want. At what I want. It's stupider than fighting. It's stupider than drinking. It's stupider than trusting strangers, which is what I seem to do best. Truth is, I can't always talk to you." She was reeling on her feet, not a good sign. Was this going anywhere?
At the moment she couldn't remember. But she did want to do something before (it was possible, probable even) she passed out. Catching a hold of the devil-may-care thread she'd picked up sometime during her slurred monologue, she raised a hand to Tobias's cheek to turn his face and Caroline kissed him right then and there.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2009 0:59:48 GMT -5
"Can whe have a tonic whater for her?" Tobias asked, thickly, his accent always worsened with the drink. How many was he up to now, seven or ten? Did he count a shot as a drink? Not normally. He listened to her rant but paid more attention to the way his eyes slowly began to slide in and out of focus. He finished off the final bit of his beer and it stuck to his raw throat. "This isn't fun for me," he kept mumbling every time she took a breath.
“And what would ya have me do eh, Carrrolie? All I can do ish be me…whoever the feck that is…” He ran his hands over his face. He needed a shave; the beard was getting too long and too thick. He could feel the heat of his anger running up his neck and beating his brain in.
“Who do ya want me to be? I can’t be the man ya want me to be, because yer always switchin’…ya want me to take care of ya! Ya want me to give ya distance! Yer callin’ the Bajazus fecking kettle black ish what yer doin!” He balled his hands up into fists and slammed them against the counter top. He was about to retort with a rant of his own, but the kiss threw him off guard.
Tobias felt the tension slip away, like ice melting on the sidewalk. His fingers uncurled and found there way onto Caroline’s hips. Her lips felt full and soft against his and he turned away from their forgiving touch. He exhaled all the drink from his belly and inhaled the richness of her scent. His lips found comfort in the curve of her neck, and the velvet peach of her cheek.
He felt the animal inside wake to the sensation of her touch. His lips parted as they fell to her neck. His wild desire had those thick fangs, which had been developing into great inhuman points, grazed the air just above her flesh. Just as he was about to bite into her, he caught a glimpse of himself in the bar’s mirror. Tobias has never seen such fierceness in his eyes.
They were completely golden now, his pupils were rimmed with a blood red shimmer. He shoved Caroline away and stumbled to the opposite end of the bar. He slapped a bill down onto the countertop, and the bartender didn’t think twice about standing between a troubled Irishman and his drink.
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Post by Tempest on Feb 18, 2009 17:18:53 GMT -5
The kiss was good. His touch, likewise. However, the abruptness that ended it was both disappointing and somewhat coarse, even for Tobias. She was instantly reminded of his behavior in the auditorium as she careened, off-balance, to the floor. The look in his eyes... what was that color? Was she imagining things?
Caroline told herself, trying to stifle a howl of disappointment, that she couldn't get too upset over this. Time and again they had done this dance. Maybe if she refused to step back this time they could get somewhere; too many times had she let this sort of thing drive her off for a time. Drive her off only to have her return with a look. Or a word.
Hector had been a bad person, in the end... but she had been happy with him... content in a way, but she had still decided to end it with him after feeling what she had at Tobias's heart attack. Before the whole "I'm only dating you in order to get to files at your work" deal came to play.
She had to stop running away. Or she had to find a way to stop being so goddamned obsessed over this half-wolf.
"No," Caroline said quietly and stood up. "I'm not Ophelia, dammit. But I'm not Katherina either."
What was it about him that made her want to change? To be... whatever it was that normal people were? Was the difference between sanity and insanity the thing that kept them in constant antagonism? Or was the fact of the matter that they simply could never be, they were just not compatible? Or was it still simpler: she was a coldhearted b**** and he was an incorrigible animal of a person.
"No," she said again and purposely walked over to Tobias's side of the bar and sat next to him. She didn't drink the tonic water the bartender slid across the bar. She wasn't thirsty anymore. Nor could she hear the voices. No, she was too focused on establishing something at this point.
She let out a deep breath, then said, "I never meant to be confusing." No, she had always thought she was reacting to his cues. Which came first? The black pot or the kettle? Regardless, she was determined. No more guessing, no more ambiguity. "I'm done here."
A pause. She didn't know if she could say this without the words sticking in her throat. Did she still feel it? To her credit, she still got the butterflies when she was near him. Did that count? "I... I love you, Tobias. That's the most uncomplicated part of everything. I get distracted by it sometimes and sometimes I try not to acknowledge it because of the potential consequences. I don't know if I care if you return the sentiment anymore." She swallowed, trying to will the slur from her words. "Even if you're only interested in the physical, my door's open. Errr... You can probably find it."
There. It probably couldn't get any clearer if she embossed and framed it. If he didn't feel the same way, it would hurt... but at least there would be no more confusion. Awkwardness... discomfort if he rejected the invitation, a brief period of sadness, maybe, but no more ambiguity.
That said, she stood up again and placed some more crumpled bills on the counter- recompense for the fuss she'd made. Her stomach was wound tighter than a knot, contrasting with the wobble in her legs. Surely, she would be able to make it home alright.
||Ummm... hrm... this Caroline is a whole lot different than the Caroline of their last bar fight... XP ||
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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2009 20:01:20 GMT -5
Tobias rolled his eyes and tossed back the shot offered to him. "Don't throw yerself at me like a cheap Babylonian whore." Tobias mumbles as he lit another cigarette. “Look, I want ya all for meself…clear? I don’ want to sheere…I don’ wanta use ya or natta. An I don’ know why….”
Tobias could gage himself well, and he knew when he had had enough, but he wanted to get pissed. Drunk out of his mind. So wasted that he couldn’t stand, couldn’t do anything but lie there and drown in his own vomit. Once he lost his motor skills it was only a matter of time. It’s a terrible goal to shoot for, but here he was, grateful for not eating and spending all his energy on getting his world upside down.
“You know how I feel about you,” he said in between deep smoky breaths as he tried to pull the words untangled from his mouth. “Why can’t you accept that I’m scared? Broken even. Shit, I don’t know what’s going on with me…I’ve got like…personalities…whatever. I try.” He was slipping again back into his drunkenness. He hadn’t been this way in awhile. Who knew, maybe he would even go down the alley find a dealer. Someone who could get him cranked. “Ya can’t walk home like that…by yerself and all….” Tobias said, pointing at her with his cigarette.
He stood and felt his knees buckle slightly. “I can walk ya home still, right? Carry yer books and all, yeah?” He moved his arm across her back, tracing her spine with his fingers, looking for the bit of exposed flesh between t-shirt and pants. Tobias had had his drunkenness; it was time for the wolf to set in… the heavy charm to unfold. His eyes slid into the heavy gold of desire and deception.
It was harder though to be such a power player under a heavy influence. The wolf was used to this form of quashing and wasn’t all too happy about the old habits. “Maybe once we get inside…we can have a more,” he kissed her neck. “Intimate,” he nibbled at her ear. “Discussion.” The words were still slurred, but they would have the right effect.
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