venting, of sorts.

so, firstly i wanted to apologize to everyone for my lack of rping as of the last 2 months. there has been WAY too much going on and i sort of want to vent it all like right now because i'm in the mood that if i bottle it up i'm just gonna cry about it later and everyone here is like my internet family (even all the new members!) so there. also, i'm naturally a very open person so i just need to write it down or something.

(also, this is in artistic because i suppose you could call this a diary/journal?)

first stupid thing, i was walking my dog and my ankle ended up giving out while i was walking her and i fell and any normal person would bring their hand outs to catch themselves right? no, i didn't do that quick enough and smacked my head against the pavement. thus resulting in copious amounts of bleeding, me stumbling back to my apartment because i didn't have my phone on me (because, hey it's just a walk around the building i won't need my phone for that quick of a walk!) anyway, call bf first because i'm hysterical and don't know if i should call the ER or what. i tell him what happened and he comes home from work and takes me to the ER and LUCKILY it was only a gash near my eyebrow that wasn't that big at all... just BLED a lot. (also, thank freaking goodness i didn't black out) anyway, that happened sometime early April.

Next, leaving my job at a pool teaching toddlers how to swim for 2 jobs - delivery driving and a warehouse job. the transition was awkward as hell because my warehouse job is night shift and then delivery driving all though only for 3 hours twice a week seriously helps inch along what i need to pay on my bills so thank goodness for that.

then proceed getting ER bill for the stitches and next the mental breakdown, because for all you older folks on here ADULTING SUCKS. while, i am thankful i do have parents that are willing to help me every now and then they're in no position to do that at the moment so naturally it's on me and every time i think about it i'm pretty sure my anxiety sky rockets every single time.

signed back up for college (@24), FINALLY online classes at my old college back in my home state. only about 28 credit hours i think left until i can get my associates which will hopefully help me not be stuck in a warehouse job.

anyway, night shifts make me feel like i'm losing track of days in general. all i ever want to do is sleep right now and i know that's unhealthy as fuck because i did that shit when i was a teenager because i was depressed and as an adult i know i can't allow myself to get into that habit because then you get everything else that follows.

tonight specifically freaking sucked, i think what made me boil over is at this job every one has name tags on on my name tag is my first name... in every part of my life i go by my middle name (even my parents call me by my middle name) it's just how it is and my middle name IS my identity. any supervisor or higher up that has taken the time to know my name i've tried to explain to them "oh, well so so is my first name but i actually go by blah blah" and i swear to god every single one of them has completely blown me off when i've said that. LIKE WHAT.

it's like oh hey, fuck your identity whatever you're apart of the system now. the crowd of people that are just getting by.

anyway.

please vent here at me <3
i want to hear about anything that has just made you want to have a breakdown and didn't, or just well anything that freaking sucked in your world.
the angrier the better!

thanks guys.

I dropped my ice cream yesterday.

[Hang in there guys!( ** Hugs**).  I'm actually really glad you created this thread- I've been wanting to vent for a long time.. but I didn't want to come across as wanting attention or anything.]

 I've been going through the same school scenario( kind of) since early  February . I was trying to go for Vet Tech, but I wasn't grasping the chem classes. Seriously, I was seeing two different tutors through the week, before and after class. My friend gave me her notes for the class with all the important stuff written down, and I was still getting my ass kicked on every test. (Plus, I was still on crutches from a knee surgery back in December and hobbling around on crutches was an epic hassle.) So I dropped out of college early this February to reorganize and look into another career but I've seriously been so lost. I sat from February to mid May with absolutely no f-ing clue what to do with my life.

Horses are my passion, but most of the jobs associated with them require quite a bit of work and studies. Because I was aiming for Vet Tech, I was taking classes  specifically to get into the program so even if I wanted to get my general education degree, it would have been at least another year. I still live with my parents, and they've been very supportive of me, not to mention they let me live at home, so I felt like I didn't deserve to feel bad about anything..ever.

I had expected to just go to college, get a degree and start working my dream job. It killed me to know that I'm 20 years old still living at home and making low pay at a coffee shop while some of my friends have already started their careers and I had basically  started a career as a couch potato. I became a hermit after losing contact with my good friend who lives in the UK. She has recently started college herself and she's really busy with classes and everything. And because I'm not overly social and find it hard  to make new friends, I became a total recluse and hung out in my room all the time unless I was working.

 
Researching careers only made things worse. I looked into Fire Science Academy (Fire Fighting), Police Academy, Animal cops. Shoot, I was even having serious thoughts of joining active military until I found out I'm medically disqualified (that was like rubbing salt in an open wound). I felt like because I dropped out of school, people were looking down on me. Hell, I looked down on me. I felt like my friends wouldn't like me because I'm just working and not going to school. I had ( and still have) huge dreams of getting my "dream job", traveling abroad, and creating a comfortable life. I was waiting for somebody to tell me what to do- like in high school, when the teacher does most of the assignment for you and you just have to fill in the blanks. I've been waiting for somebody to physically tell me what direction to go in.  I realized (just a few days ago) I've been listening too much to what others were saying, trying to do things the way they would do it.

So the other day, I finally sat my mom down and told her I was not going back to school because I feel there isn't anything there that I can benefit from-( I've been thinking this for a long time, but I was terrified of telling her because she's been helping me pay for all the classes I took and I felt like I would be letting her down)..  I explained to her that I am very interested in getting certified to be an Equine Sports Massage Therapist and I'm looking into equine schools that offer the certification. I was expecting to get yelled at, like hard core, for not wanting to go back to school. But she just nodded and said "I was actually thinking the same thing about school. If you want to pursue getting certified, I will support you as much as possible. If you have to travel, I'll help you get there and we'll make arrangements for Andie (my horse) to go with you." I guess I've been thinking so negatively about myself lately, I wasn't expecting her to be so encouraging and supportive.

It's not even been a full week yet since I talked to my mom, but I feel like things are taking a turn for the positive. I've found several equine schools near by that offer the certification, plus they have job opportunities for you once you've gained certification. I'm really excited to go after something I know I'm truly passionate about and know that I'm slowly starting to move forward again.

[Sorry for such a long post, but I haven't been able to share this with anybody- mainly because I was scared and felt like I was the only one having a hard time with everything. I feel a lot better having shared this and I hope- maybe- it could offer some encouragement to anyone else who is feeling stuck. <3 <3 ]