Untitled (Journal of Caroline Harlequin)

"the cities we passed were a flickering wasteland, but his hand in my hand made them hale and harmless/ while down in the lowlands the crops are all coming; we have everything/ life is thundering blissful toward death in a stampede of his fumbling green gentleness" -taken from Only Skin by Joanna Newsom


It's been so long, I'm not sure I remember how to write in a diary anymore. I burned the last one and all its contents: something I regret now.

Okay. So here goes: Tobias has come back. I was angry with him at first, but somehow he worked past my defenses... and I guess we're whatever it is we've been dancing around for ages now. Lovers? I guess, but there seems to be too much friction (I'm not referring to the physical kind here, naturally) to really fall back on that term. We're certainly not anything more than that because that would require some acknowledgement on either part, and such acknowledgement has certainly not been given.

Emilio and I fought over this. He and I haven't spoken since. I don't want him dictating what my life should be, but I have a feeling that I am only mad at him because I expected support from him instead of the vocalization of all the things I fear.

I hope that there's not another shoe to drop. Tobias has disappointed me in the past (and I'm sure it's been the other way around as well) and I don't want any more repetitions of the same old drama.

However, I really do think he changed during his absence. The moon didn't make him quite as violent as he has gotten before... although I have to admit there was a spark of impulsiveness that I shared in before I locked him in one of the basement trap cells.

And he's been really... I can't describe it. I mean, he left me a note this morning offering to buy me breakfast. The offer was nice.

On a different note, Mama has not written to me in a while. I guess that's my fault since I stopped answering her letters. I should start writing to her again... it's not fair of me to keep dropping off the map whenever something upsets me.

Jaime has been doing well. No ships on his romantic horizon, though. I wonder if there's anything I can do about that. No, no, I should stop interfering in the love lives of other people. It's nosy and I am definitely not an expert on the matter.

I am so mad I can hardly write. Go ahead and disregard EVERYTHING I wrote in my previous entry about things being different. It's not. Not even two days.

It's over. I am not going to do this again. "I've counted to three and said my peace," he said. Is it PEACE, he wants?! Oh, if that's the case, then he can have all the fucking peace he can stand. I'm done with this, done with him.

The lovely thing about this is that it's going to be hard to shut him out completely. Mama always told me that it was stupid to date a coworker, and now I get to live with my idiotic decisions. I'm really tempted to move out of the apartments- at least then I'll have some place to escape to that's away from all of this shit.

Well, it looks like a peace has fallen over this apartment. At least I have a schedule to adhere to. Jaime took Tobias's stuff. Good.

Keeping to the schedule. Been quiet.

Work has been keeping me busy, which is good. I stay out long enough to come home too exhausted to do anything but sleep. Tonight was an exception- ran out of things to do since the printer broke and I went through the important official stuff. Hopefully tomorrow will be busier.

Keep finding gifts. Threw the chocolates away. The bunch of flowers... well, they were too pretty. Didn't get much of a chance to enjoy them before they wilted. Note to self- change water in vase more often.

On another note: period's late. Maybe it's just the stress.

Period's more than a little late. This is getting worrisome.

[/i]), they are going to have a cow.

I checked several times and it's statistically impossible for me not to be pregnant at this point.

I am such an idiot. How could I have let this happen?

And I have to tell Tobias. God help me, I never wanted to talk to him again. The.... is going to force my hand. I was doing so well! I had things down! I was going to be permanently independent and drama-free!

My life sucks.[/size]

My parents were attacked by rioters. I'm back home now, visiting them at the hospital and it's really difficult to see them like this. Neither of them were awake when Emilio and I arrived.

I spent the night at the hospital, but they're both still out. Mama sustained lacerations and a fractured leg and hip. Dad... well, he's a lot worse. They've got him in the ICU for now. We're hoping that he'll pull through okay.

Not sure what to do with myself now. I guess I'll go check on their house and do whatever needs to be done there. Then I'll get them some flowers.

I'm such a horrible daughter if this is the only thing that'll induce me to come back home to see them. Emilio's out right now, seeing what the police have to say and offering them his help. I assume that I'll be seeing them at some point too.

As for other things... Tobias was really okay with my pregnancy. Took it better than I did, certainly. I hope that his warning about his protectiveness was overstatement. We'll have problems if he starts treating me like some kind of invalid.

Spent another night at the hospital. The nurses don't seem to mind that I've been falling asleep here.

Been having nightmares. Second consecutive night where I've woken up to a scent that wasn't like the other hospital smells. It was familiar in a horrible sort of way. It's probably the stress.

Dad's still under, but Mama was awake for a good stretch of time today. We chatted for a while, then I left her with Emilio so I could spend some time with Dad. Or, rather, with his unconscious form.

At least they think he'll recover.

Back at school. Stopped writing things down when I discovered that somebody hacked into my laptop and sent Tobias a message. Whoever it was thought it would be funny to break up with him.

Probably some kid, right?

Tobias agreed to go to the doctor with me, so that's good. I wonder if things will finally start to look brighter. In other words: I am sick to death of morning sickness.


He also agreed to marry me. I am almost scared to write it down, just in case I imagined it. But I didn't. He said yes and that happened. Maybe I'll allow some measure of enjoyment of this fact. FUCK YEAH!!!!!

Powers going bananas. Due to the pregnancy, probably. It's either too much or too little sound. I prefer the latter if I'm supposed to be stuck with this. The former is too dangerous, to my future babies and to others.

That's right, babies. The doctor sprung that one on us. I don't even... it was hard enough to wrap my head around one kid. Now... two. Twice the fun...?

>.>

I wonder what Tobias's daughter will think. (I had no idea he had a daughter already.)

Tobias is gone.

Got word from Tobias today. I was angry before I could think about the other repercussions. Tore up the note, then taped it back together.

Still threw it away. I am angry. I am relieved. I am SO FUCKING ANGRY.

No return address. Dammit.

Emilio and Jaime are amazing brothers. They've taken turns helping me out with stuff. Picking out (and putting together) baby furniture, breaking the news to my parents, getting a vehicle that is more appropriate for carting babies around.

They won't leave me alone when I'm out of the house. Things have gotten more dangerous on the streets lately, the echoes of the riots occurring around the world beginning to happen here. A few weeks ago, there was a shooting that involved a couple of our students. Another student was mugged.

What's happening?

Doctor concerned- the babies that had been developing so quickly before seem to have slowed down considerably. She said that it's probably another sign of their parentage. She inquired after the father and awkwardness ensued.

I try to be alone as much as possible because my powers are still malfunctioning. But I feel like there's a presence always watching me. Sometimes, I think it's Tobias. Then I get a chill and it's not Tobias. It's somebody else, somebody evil.

I'm losing my mind.

Emilio has begun spending more and more time with Amy. I don't mind this. They are such a lovely couple!

Jaime now reads all of my notes from Tobias and gives me the gist. I can't do it anymore.

Doctor says that I need to take it easy. Stress can hurt my babies. Hard not to stress when the church was vandalized with anti-Gifted sentiment last night and they found another dead person in the alley. Nobody from the school. The news says that it was a dock worker and it looked like an animal tore out his throat.

Some are looking at the students with newfound suspicion. I don't know if there's anything I can do to stop this.

In other news, the dreams have gotten worse. I keep sleepwalking- I wake up downtown, or in the woods. My sense of smell has gotten more acute because of the pregnancy, but I think my brain has gotten it hoodwinked into perceiving things that cannot possibly be there.